Creative Wings Studio

The Undefended Heart

debbie — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 00:56:22 +0000

Recently, my young hairdresser, just entering a new relationship, told me about an article that
spoke about marriage. It was about hard reasons for divorce, and soft reasons. You can guess that the hard reasons had to do with forms of abuse, substance abuse, addictions, and infidelity. The soft reasons were more like, he doesn’t understand me, we are not where we used to be, he’s not a good listener, etc. She was saying, as a young unmarried woman, that the commitment was very important, and at times we leave without looking at our need to change ourselves.
Perhaps, relationship is God’s way of giving us opportunity for open heartedness. Do we really need what we think we need from others or do we need to stretch, to go inside and find our own inner resources.
I love when painting for process, takes me to a place where I can stretch more, see things from an expanded awareness, the wholeness of any situation or conflict. The expanded feeling allows our eyes to be opened anew, to how we can give, what love and friendship mean.
We get disappointed that things aren’t what we think they should be.Isn’t this the purpose of living, to surprise us, ask us togo further, to accept, or at least be aware?
I’ve come across a new book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. He gives guidelines of how energy fluctuates according to how we respond, when things don’t go our way. It happens often enough that maybe we can find ways to with the journey of life that open the heart, relax the defenses, and the expectations. Can we relax into what is?

Life Being Lived

debbie — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 04:36:36 +0000

On my return from a month in India recently,
I was able to see what for a few days, was unfamiliar.
My life was unfamiliar. Who I was before the trip was
clearly a someone who no longer existed.
We had recently moved. Our home was new, our old home in another state having been sold.
And here I was in a very foreign country, having very different experiences, just after trying to find my space in a new part of the country. The experience of being a foreigner, in a different land and culture, and when one arrives back home is very interesting.
It felt very much like that feeling when you wake up, but still don’t know who or where you are. The first response was, irritation, jet lag, too,of course.
There was so much new and disturbing in the sounds, sights and smells of India. Images abounded that were beautiful and painful. every night, outside my room , on the streets, the always stray dogs of India would yowl with pain. I wanted to run and help, but couldn’t find the courage to leave my safe room and go into a darkened street, unaccompanied.
Then there were what I call the three fates, three very elderly women,
dressed in the white of mourning. They came to me from across the way, and , talking in Hindi, kissed and hugged me, calling out the name of my spiritual teacher. Recognition of oneness. I could not tell them apart, and felt like they included me in this merger.
There was the woman in her 80’s from Dubhai who was writing a book of her mystical experiences. She had been, as she said, just a Mother. She shared these experiences and made us cry.
And then to return to the new home, mysterious, too. Why am I here, not there or there. What brings me here or there, coming and going? Is there really something in me that is constant? Maybe not so much. Maybe it is knowing this that is the anchor, the truth of living. being lived, without a point of reference. Can it be?

Will and Power

debbie — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:04:36 +0000

What painting brings with it, is a stronger sense of self.
The longer I paint the more right I feel within myself, the more connected. I may need a moment to check check is it instinct, intuition or impulsivity, but then the direction opens up, like a choice of road,at a crossroads where one just seems to be brighter.
In painting for process, we are trained to come from what feels alive.
In life, it seems more real, more invested, more a dream that is actively lived.
Can we choose or just follow, then? More and more , it seems the choices are done before they are manifest. There is some flow in life, as in creativity that moves us, and we just have to pick up the scent, the flirt as Arnie Mindell says, in his many books about the dream body.

When we are following, power then becomes alignment and flow. It is a lived experience, not an efforted one. Manipulation and assertion is no longer needed if one speaks their truth, one’s understanding without imposition, or expectation.
Painting has brought the process of letting go, and noticing what is already unfolding. It has brought participation in the divine. The will is used merely to turn one’s attention in the right direction. A little dot of color here, maybe not so important, but it sparks a wave of feeling, excitement that carries us on another wave of creativity. We want to stay buoyant, so we go with it, curious and open. Where now is there a question of power? I don’t claim it as an owned thing, just what is moving, and it has it’s own intelligence.

The cycles of creativity

debbie — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:30:18 +0000

In the painting process, there is a lot of time spent in finishing the painting. Sometimes it seems like a painting will not let go of us. We are sure it’s over and yet it lingers, calling us back further into itself, ourselves, actually. We had no inkling of the depth the experience held, nor of the beauty waiting for us in the final moments.
My dog died recently, and although I’ve heard that from so many people, I had no idea how strong an experience it would be for me. She had been ill for many months, and every so often, I would give in to the idea of putting her to sleep. what stopped me was her gaze, her ability to stay awake to everything, and still give love.
When her last days did come, I wasn’t at home, and had a hard time believing it was really happening. And at the end, her death gave me and everyone involved enormous gifts. Later, I wondered at how I thought I was done so many times. There is a formidable cyclic quality to the way things move and unfold in nature and life. While we think we are done, the conclusion, when it appears holds it all. The act of surrender to it allows for the biggest opening.
In teaching painting last month at a workshop in Massachusetts, I saw that the finishing holds the most unfolding. In a wonderful novel about dogs, and a boy, called Edgar Sautelle, an old wise woman named Ida, says she “reads the juice”.
In painting for process, we are reading the juice, without interpreting, or entering into it, just being with it. sometimes it just takes us farther than we know. This wouldn’t have happened until that happened, or this and that came at the same time. we know these things. We just sometimes think we know more than that.

Small Intuition

debbie — Sat, 23 May 2009 15:17:07 +0000

Yesterday, I was graced to spend time painting with a couple of friends. We started by sharing, and there was soo much in what was spoken that I thought it could be shared for all of us.

There was a sense of being lost and confused. We questioned if we still were in touch with our intuition, disconnected or just doubting.

As we spoke, it was clear that intuition was still present, the connection was still real, it was just coming in smaller, more intricate ways. Maybe how we had experienced it, in the past, may not be how it’s coming now.

It felt good to get this feedback.
As a teacher in an intuitive painting process, I was wondering if I had anything to give. If I was lost, how could I teach?

The process demands of us to be more and more focused, more and more attentive, and less and less reliant on the old methods, techniques, or even the familiar ground. Perhaps it’s no longer thinking or feeling that is reliable. Perhaps it’s just the Heart in the moment, which comes as a whisper, a small intuition.

There are a couple of books lately that have come to me, to help me. One is The Presence Process, by Micheal Brown, which gives a sequence of exercises one can do to bring oneself into the present moment. A few of us are going to try it.

Another is Nothing Personal, by Nirmala.
He says,

“This not-knowing and sense of things not being fixed or static, is an indicator that you are in the Heart. Being in the Heart has a quality of being fresh and new in every moment.The invitation is to keep diving into this place that is more honest and true and where you know less and less. “

Let’s dive in together and feel safe in the small intuitions, the Heart’s communications.

Synecdoche, the film

debbie — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:38:43 +0000

Lots more time to watch movies these days,
as part of my new education of a
less than scheduled life.
One that we looked at this past weekend was Synecdoche. It is long, somewhat depressing and amazing.
It is written and directed by the guy who did the
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind movie a few years ago.A play director has a messy life. He’s having trouble with his hypochondria, anxiety and his relationships.
Then he gets a grant to do a play.
With complete selfindulgence, he takes on his own life, finding actors to play all the roles, and creating sets that replicate the moments of his life. By the end we are lfet wondering what’s the reality and what’s the play.
I love the loss of edges between play and life as a play.
We are seeing that when we paint.
A piece of our world comes forward,
and then we see it’s really a small piece of something,
not scary, sad, dull or meaningless,
just magic, part of the networked pattern of everything.

It is enough.

An unasked for question

debbie — Sat, 09 May 2009 14:41:24 +0000

Last time I wrote to you, I asked what question you would ask yourself to open
to your freedom. In retrospect, I realize I
edited my own first question. It seemed too
strange and too made up to me. It came
back later that night.
The question that came had to do with the feeling of spaciousness.
It was”If you could be boundaryless, what would you paint/live?”I realize that, as a former art therapist/psychotherapist,
I had been good at setting boundaries,
self-protecting, gentle, yet firm.
I had friends whose boundaries weren’t so good and some who’s were crispy and abrupt.
When coming from Point Zero, in the
moment, do we need to protect something, be consistent about edges of something
that is constantly changing and fluid?
So, this week is an experiment in watching how I protect myself, when is it
unnecessary, when does it send me
something I was unprepared for, but is
quite helpful, and engaging, or disturbing.
We can talk about this, if anyone is curious. Love, Deb

How to Continue

debbie — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:43:44 +0000

As painters we wonder if when on our own, we can open as easily as with a group or the teacher. What makes it easier to paint on our own, a willingness to be with ourselves fully.
This morning I was asked, is the question used to bring us to point zero always the same question or is it different every time?Are we the same every moment, every week, every month, every year? Yes and no.We are always changing and there are themes, patterns or habitual thinking that keeps us from our freedom.
To start a painting today, ask yourself what would it be like to be really free, and are we willing to pay that price?
Are we willing to risk what we think is real about ourselves for what is alive and vital about ourselves?
Are we willing to ask and sit with the question that will bring us there?
My experience ion painting is that very often what my mind tells me freedom will do to my life is a lie. What freedom really wants of us is to be our best wholeness, to be utilized to our fullest capacity, to be one.
We would be different if we took that
risk, yes, and we would love it, all of it.
So to paint on our own, we have to ask the question that opens us in the moment to our freedom. What’s your question? Mine is:What would I paint, live, if I didn’t have to control the outcome, if it didn’t take me where I thought I wanted to go?
Just a question for today. Keep painting my friends. Love, Deb

debbie — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:02:36 +0000

Hello my painting friends. The website is up, and I’m very excited to be writing. Hoping that you enjoy the new website. You can still see our old studio space and the walls, that you all said you loved so much.
Transitions are so strong sometimes. They shake up what we are holding on to as ourselves. It’s a great opportunity, for me to look at where my roots are to the earth, how strong, how twisted how ready to come free.

Last week was studio closing week, with several helpers coming in the first three days. It was very strange to see the studio go starkly empty, kind of like being on the stage still as the lights go out, after the audience has left. The second week for me has been more like beginning to walk out of the theater. We all have these opportunities to leave the theater from time to time, to see what’s outside of the life we have constructed. I have learned that from painting for process. When I was sad last week, painting wouldn’t let me sleep. I got up from my bed, and went back to my painting space, in my house, and painted till 2 A.M. It was luscious. It is hard to leave the class routine, the safety of knowing I would see you all on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday. It certainly rooted my life in a joyous way.

We’ll see where this new life takes me, and all of you, too.
Please keep painting . If you have questions about the process, I will respond by e-mail. Hope to see you all at the June or August workshops, and will let you know when the move to New Mexico is imminent.

Love, Deb